The Asshole

[This is one of the first things I ever wrote, you can tell by some of my references, it seems especially applicable today. I did not do these things, but the sentiment applies.]

God I'm an Asshole
I don't even try
I'm a natural
someone should make a movie about me
starring Robert Redford as myself
you'd be in it
played by a heavier Renee Zellweger

In the movie I'd make jokes about your weight
I'd remember your birthday
but still not get you anything
I'd even pick out what I wanted to give you
but use the money to buy a couple drinks
for a girl who is more attractive then you'll ever be
years later I'd sleep through your wedding
even though I'd agreed to be an usher

It would be an awesome movie

The Asshole would be a huge box office success
money would pour into my bank account
girls would flock to my arms
Redford, Zellweger and I would be interviewed together
on Regis and Kelly
I would make jokes about Redford’s golf swing
and he would tell amusing anecdotes
about my alcoholism
and the subsequent nights spent passed out
in the back of pick up trucks

Tabloids would carry stories about Renee carrying my baby
we would be a media hit
Eminem would mention my height in one of his songs
Vh1 would interview me for “We Love the 90's”
I'd talk shit on 311
I would appear on the newly reborn Dave Chapelle Show
in a sketch called "Ask an Asshole"

All this would lead to a sequel
"the Asshole II: Twice the Ass, Twice the Hole"
Chris Rock would be added to the cast
as Redfords rookie partner
with no respect for the rules
the Asshole II would alienate it's fan base
who would say it had lost touch with it's original vision
Car chases and gunfights
are no substitute for a man cracking jokes
about Leukemia patients weird shaped heads
or the charm of a man describing his date
as looking festively plump

My fall from the limelight would be swift and complete
I would be left with no money
having squandered it on statues of myself, pyramid schemes
and girl scout cookies
left with nothing I would crash on your couch
drink your beer
make fun of your pudgy kids
and never, ever wear pants

Sunday Best

[I guess this should be filed under "based on a true story"]

My Sunday clothes never fit well.
They were either a size too big
or a size too small.

They were usually wool and scratchy.
On days when my Mom didn’t have the energy to stop me,
I would wear sweat pants underneath.
My sweatpants always had holes in them,
but they were comfortable.

Wool suits with clip-on ties
over deteriorating cotton sweat pants.
The perishable was swallowed up
by the imperishable.

I wish my Mom would’ve had more energy.

Awkward Sqirrels trying to make Conversation

I was at the bus stop on the first nice day of spring, minding my business, listening to Al Green on my headphones, and watching a balding squirrel eat an almond. The squirrel was uncomfortably close. I assumed it was a socially awkward creature, with no squirrel friends, so it tried to make acquaintances with humans waiting for the bus. I wasn’t in the mood to be social, so I just stared it down. An old woman with a hobble-step stopped, looked at the squirrel, then at me. Not wanting to be rude to an elder, I took my head phones out. “Everyone’s got to eat” she said, gesturing towards the socially awkward squirrel, “God made us all with stomachs.” It was then that I realized: I was rude, old women say weird things, and I shouldn’t judge squirrels eating almonds at the bus stop.