Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Asshole

[This is one of the first things I ever wrote, you can tell by some of my references, it seems especially applicable today. I did not do these things, but the sentiment applies.]

God I'm an Asshole
I don't even try
I'm a natural
someone should make a movie about me
starring Robert Redford as myself
you'd be in it
played by a heavier Renee Zellweger

In the movie I'd make jokes about your weight
I'd remember your birthday
but still not get you anything
I'd even pick out what I wanted to give you
but use the money to buy a couple drinks
for a girl who is more attractive then you'll ever be
years later I'd sleep through your wedding
even though I'd agreed to be an usher

It would be an awesome movie

The Asshole would be a huge box office success
money would pour into my bank account
girls would flock to my arms
Redford, Zellweger and I would be interviewed together
on Regis and Kelly
I would make jokes about Redford’s golf swing
and he would tell amusing anecdotes
about my alcoholism
and the subsequent nights spent passed out
in the back of pick up trucks

Tabloids would carry stories about Renee carrying my baby
we would be a media hit
Eminem would mention my height in one of his songs
Vh1 would interview me for “We Love the 90's”
I'd talk shit on 311
I would appear on the newly reborn Dave Chapelle Show
in a sketch called "Ask an Asshole"

All this would lead to a sequel
"the Asshole II: Twice the Ass, Twice the Hole"
Chris Rock would be added to the cast
as Redfords rookie partner
with no respect for the rules
the Asshole II would alienate it's fan base
who would say it had lost touch with it's original vision
Car chases and gunfights
are no substitute for a man cracking jokes
about Leukemia patients weird shaped heads
or the charm of a man describing his date
as looking festively plump

My fall from the limelight would be swift and complete
I would be left with no money
having squandered it on statues of myself, pyramid schemes
and girl scout cookies
left with nothing I would crash on your couch
drink your beer
make fun of your pudgy kids
and never, ever wear pants